I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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