Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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