ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
