Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
