morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
