I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
