I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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