Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
