I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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