I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
