o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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