Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
