we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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