Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
