The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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