I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
