i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
