Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
