There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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