legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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