bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
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