If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
