I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got inside last night via doggy door
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
