covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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