I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Randomize
