stop calling my apartment porn island.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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