I'm gonna have a badass scar
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
