what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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