I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
