It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
