can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
