How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
