The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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