My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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