does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
