you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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