I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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