hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
