wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
