Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
