I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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