I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
