Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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