bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
