Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
