I think my fart just growled at me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
