Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
