Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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