I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
