How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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