She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
