All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
